True love is not finding the perfect person, but learning to love an imperfect person perfectly.

I’m not going to lie – I find myself questioning everything going on in my life right now, especially God.

How much heartache and pain must I go through?

Why must I have a hard time else where in life right now ON TOP of other stuff?

What am I supposed to learn from this experience?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not for a minute take for granted what’s going right for me (health, loving and caring friends and family) – but one man, even strong willed such as myself can only deal with so much.

I often feel this huge weight pressing down on my head, making everything that much tougher on a daily basis.

I can’t seem to make any headway lately.

Just last night I realized how much I miss my life from ten years ago. I was somewhat worry free, rode my motorcycle everywhere and had very little drama in my life. Most importantly, I’d be able to talk to Mom and ask her for advice on a way out of this mess.

Oh. Lest I forget I’ll be thirty soon. Blech.

I am another year wiser, some would argue stronger, but I feel like it’s a front to the pain and anguish that I hide inside.

My family and I use one another for strength this time of year, and it happens twice during the month of July – once on the 20th and again on my Mom’s birthday the 29th.

While I battle internally with the heartache of that loss, I struggle with a separate emotional issue, and something I’ve not written about here at all.

God, the universe or even my Mom allowed me to meet the greatest woman in the world less than a year after her passing. We went through a ton together, got an apartment, got engaged and then it happened – confusion, love fading, fear – whatever you want to call it, she left me.

We spent the summer apart, eventually started talking again and would rekindle our relationship in October. Life has a funny way of playing games with you, because it was only temporary I’m afraid. We separated again in April, didn’t speak for three months and have started to speak again. We met up to talk a week ago, she dressed up in a cute dress, her skin was glowing and she had a smile that lit the room up – exactly the way it did the first day we met. It was a great night, I just don’t know what to make of it.

Seeing her for the first time in months was awesome, I felt (and still feel) the same way about her as I did that fateful afternoon at Englishtown Raceway – she is THE one, the only one – the person I am destined to spend my life with.

I struggle to trudge on through my life without her, hoping it’s only temporary – but it’s hard to put thoughts and feelings on the back-burner. I don’t think either of us know what to do, and I would regret not giving her however many chances she needs, if I didn’t.

My love and devotion is unwavering, it is true and just. I close my eyes and I see myself with nobody else, and that is the hardest part of all.

I have been negative about so much in my life up to this point, I have a hard time being anything but positive about this. Worst of all, I need Mom’s advice more than anything – I know she would have put her boots on and gotten to whatever Sam is struggling with, that’s just who she was and one of the many reasons why I loved her.

One day, I hope I’ll look back at this and know I’ve grown because of it. You have to know what it’s like to be hurt, before you can experience the great things in life – at least that’s how it appears to me.

The last year of my life has been pretty hectic, my creative juices have not been flowing as well as they have in the past due to the typical stuff life throws at you.

However, that said – I am still alive, I am still standing and fighting the good fight. There is not one single thing (or things) that will keep me down for long.

Every single day is a new day, a new fresh start to rise up and grab the bull by the horns and wrestle it to the ground.

In the next few days I may have some relatively long posts to vent the frustrations I have inside, it can’t hurt.

I am not alone in this line of thinking, millions of people across the world feel a strong connection to music. No matter where I am at any given point and time in my life, there are numerous songs that speak exactly what I am feeling inside. It makes me wonder how half of the world’s song writers aren’t even more medicated then they already are….

I heard this song Can You Tell by Ra Ra Riot last weekend and downloaded it from iTunes on the spot via iPhone.

Lyrics to Can You Tell :

Oh baby baby baby babe,
How long am I supposed to wait?
I think about you nightly
Oh, can you tell I’m losin’ sleep?

Oh what am I supposed to do?
It’s hard to stay cool.
Oh, when you smile at me
and I can notice every time you speak.

My bed’s too big for just me
and when you turn your eyes,
I promise I won’t care.

Oh baby baby baby babe
Oh baby baby baby please
My head sinks to my knees.
Oh baby baby don’t you know
I think about you nightly?

My bed’s too big for just me
and when you turn your eyes,
I promise I won’t care.

Oh baby baby baby babe
I think about you nightly
I think about you nightly
Oh baby baby baby baby

Oh baby baby baby babe.
When I look in your eyes
I tend to lose my thoughts
Don’t forget your stare
Or what was that you said?
Would you let me know?
‘Cause I can’t read your mind
But can you tell I can’t even explain

Oh baby baby baby babe
I think about you nightly
I think about you nightly
Oh baby baby baby
I think about you nightly

Oh baby I can’t even explain
How long am I supposed to wait?
I think about you nightly
Oh can you tell I’m losin’ sleep?

Oh baby, what am I supposed to do?
It’s hard to stay cool.
Oh when you smile at me
and I can notice every time you speak.

Oh baby baby baby babe
I think about you nightly
Oh baby baby baby babe

Yea, I would say that pretty much sums up my life these days.

I fully intend on making some posts here shortly, but I wanted everyone to know that I needed to swap servers and the move is now complete. If anything seems funky, let me know.