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Seven Years at Midnight

When the clock strikes twelve tonight, it marks another year that’s passed. Seven years ago at midnight, I lost my Mom to cancer.

I am another year wiser, some would argue stronger, but I feel like it’s a front to the pain and anguish that I hide inside.

My family and I use one another for strength this time of year, and it happens twice during the month of July – once on the 20th and again on my Mom’s birthday the 29th.

While I battle internally with the heartache of that loss, I struggle with a separate emotional issue, and something I’ve not written about here at all.

God, the universe or even my Mom allowed me to meet the greatest woman in the world less than a year after her passing. We went through a ton together, got an apartment, got engaged and then it happened – confusion, love fading, fear – whatever you want to call it, she left me.

We spent the summer apart, eventually started talking again and would rekindle our relationship in October. Life has a funny way of playing games with you, because it was only temporary I’m afraid. We separated again in April, didn’t speak for three months and have started to speak again. We met up to talk a week ago, she dressed up in a cute dress, her skin was glowing and she had a smile that lit the room up – exactly the way it did the first day we met. It was a great night, I just don’t know what to make of it.

Seeing her for the first time in months was awesome, I felt (and still feel) the same way about her as I did that fateful afternoon at Englishtown Raceway – she is THE one, the only one – the person I am destined to spend my life with.

I struggle to trudge on through my life without her, hoping it’s only temporary – but it’s hard to put thoughts and feelings on the back-burner. I don’t think either of us know what to do, and I would regret not giving her however many chances she needs, if I didn’t.

My love and devotion is unwavering, it is true and just. I close my eyes and I see myself with nobody else, and that is the hardest part of all.

I have been negative about so much in my life up to this point, I have a hard time being anything but positive about this. Worst of all, I need Mom’s advice more than anything – I know she would have put her boots on and gotten to whatever Sam is struggling with, that’s just who she was and one of the many reasons why I loved her.

One day, I hope I’ll look back at this and know I’ve grown because of it. You have to know what it’s like to be hurt, before you can experience the great things in life – at least that’s how it appears to me.

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